


Finding Herself

by stillirise



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Gen, Panic Attacks, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-09 17:45:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4358420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillirise/pseuds/stillirise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's traveled back in time. She knows the Cullens. She knows the Pack. They don't know her. Both boys had torn her pretty heart in two when they had both fought, pleaded, and needed her to love them. She had. She did. She had love them so much that they consumed her, but she can't go through it again. She couldn't because she was barely a person herself. She's in the past, but doesn't know if she can muster the will to fight for a future. She's just numb.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have no plot planned. I'm winging it. I'll probably edit my chapters a lot. Breaking Dawn is non-canon in this fic. Future!Bella is from after Eclipse, traveling back before the events of Twilight. Recommend some good literary quotes, explain them, cite them, and I'll credit you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You saw me walkin', pass you down the street  
> Boy you saw me walkin', nothin' but shoes on my feet  
> And though you might want to  
> Don't give me a bite to eat, no don't give me a bite to eat  
> And you wanna kiss me, kiss my pretty face  
> Don't you wanna kiss me, or the mask that's in it's place  
> Let me give you a warning  
> Cause i've got no taste, no I've got no taste  
> Yeah I just like taste nothin'  
> Just suckin' the darkness of space  
> You left me alone, yeah cold in my childhood death  
> I ain't seen the sunshine, since I don't know when  
> So won't you just take me back  
> Just spit me back out again  
> It's ok if you spit me back out again  
> Oh, but you wanna love me, right that's your goal  
> And you try so hard to love me, feed me kisses and fatten me whole  
> Shit are you in for trouble  
> Cause I've got a skinny soul  
> I've got a skinny skinny soul  
> You see me runnin', runnin' like hell from my home  
> You watched me runnin', and you were too dumb to know

 

 

 

 

Preface:  
"So, is that why you're here?" Edward smiled, showing a flash of teeth. Edward was like that, torn between light and heavy, forever pushing others away when he really wanted to pull them closer, "To mourn your lost love?"

"He jests at scars that never felt a wound," she quoted softly, echoing his tone.  
He looked at her startled, eyes gleaming with a million questions. He leaned forward, voice prodding, "If he left you, he couldn't have the right guy for you." Then, he leaned backwards, one arm looped on his chair, the movement too quick for a human, too slow for a vampire, feigning easy arrogance, forever playing at being human so others didn't see the predator lurking beneath the exterior.  
_You're worse,_  the voice echoed in her ears, exploring what she could not voice to him,  _You want to talk to me, get to know me, see into my soul and screw and screw and screw until you're done with me._  
She let a curtain of her hair conceal a side of her face, hiding a smile as she saw the brief flicker of irritation in those golden depths, "Am I that easy to read?" The last time she had said them, she had meant it sincerely, self-conscious as ever. Now, the tone was different. and they could both hear the mockery behind the words. If it was directed at herself or him, then she couldn't tell.

"On the contrary," he said, the words an echo of her lost lover, "I find you very difficult to read."


	2. Please don't leave me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella is one confused, time traveling human.

She's awake. Her head aches. She reaches for marble, but only meets empty air. 

"Edward," she whimpers into the air, but he doesn't appear, which is... odd. She sits up, getting whiplash.

"Edward," she tries to call, but her voice came out timid and tentative.

She looks around. 

Her heart stops. 

This is not her room. 

The bed is harder and round. The covers are ridiculously childish. Its a winnie the pooh comforter that she had used as a last resort the night before laundry days. The walls are filled with pictures of her and mom throughout the years, and there's a mirror/dresser before her bed, against the wall. 

This is not her room, rather, it had been her room.

"Bella," Renee calls, voice rushed and frantic. "I can't make breakfast." _What else is new?_  "I have to drive Phil to practice since his car is down."

Bella rushes down the stairs, barely tripping, her movements as awkward as ever, but sluggish too. 

She hears Renee, frantically searching for something.

_Keys?_

"Mom, check the cookie jar," Bella automatically says, familiarity in the words and the scene.

"Thanks, babe," Renee says, relieved. She jokes, "What would I do without you?"

Bella's breath catches at the sight. Renee had sun-kissed hair was a beautiful mess. Her eyes are tired, but devoid of worry. Her smile is so bright and warm, and Bella's eyes water a little. Her mom was safe and so very happy.

"Baby," Renee says, uncertain now.

"Where's Edward?" Bella breathed, quietly.

Renee's face was blank. "Who?"

"Mom, this isn't funny," Bella said, exhausted, stressed, frustrated, and scared out of her mind. Who had won? Edward? Victoria? Had Jacob been harmed? She racked her brain, but she couldn't remember. 

"Sweetie," Renee said, "I have no idea what who you're talking about."

Her headache worsened, pulsing like a heartbeat, the harder she tried to remember. "Edward," she whimpered, backing away, clutching her head in her hands. 

"Bella," her mom said, firm, steering her up the stairs, "Take a nap. We'll talk about this later. I have to go."

 _No!_  She was so confused. Why was she with her mom? Where was Edward? Where was Jake? Where was Alice? Where was everyone? "Ok," Bella relented reluctantly, "I'll take a nap. Sorry for being so emotional. I guess I'm a little stressed."

Renee believed her, worry gone, and affection taking its place. "Worried about the move?" Renee said, and Bella halted, suspicious. "Of course," Bella lied, heartbeat steady. She turned to Renee, calm and careful. "Oh, honey. It'll work itself, but if you change your mind, you can always stay in Phoenix."

"No," Bella said, keeping the panic out of her voice. Why was her mom asking this again? Phoenix meant a life without Edward and she couldn't do that. It meant a life without her Jake, Alice, the Cullens, and the Pack. _It'll be as if I were never there,_  Edward had once said.  _I'll stay as long as my presence doesn't put you at risk,_ he had offered, when she had cried and begged for him not to leave her on that hospital bed. 

She didn't stop her panic, delaying it, focusing on the now. "I'm fine," she said, sounding too dishonest. "I really want to stay with Dad." Truth.

Her mom smiled at that. "Catch you later, baby," her mom said, after the brief hug and then, she was gone. 

_I'll stay as long as my presence doesn't put you at risk._

Her back hit the wall with a thud, and slid down it.

She felt choked, like there was air left to breathe. 

One. She was in Phoenix. There was a loss of time because she had no idea how she got here.

_I'll stay as long as my presence doesn't put you at risk._

Two. Her mom was acting weird. 

_I'll stay as long as my presence doesn't put you at risk._

Three. Edward wasn't here, and that was bad because he would have called someone or left Seth, Alice, or someone to guard the useless human. 

_I'll stay as long as my presence doesn't put you at risk._

But, if he was fine. If he was fine, and everyone had lived. If he was fine, but wasn't here, by her side. What dd  that mean?

_I'll stay as long as my presence doesn't put you at risk._

Her eyes widened as her chest heaved, and she clutched her body in a tight bundle as she fell sideways. 

She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe. 

 _Bella,_ a voice said in her mind, sounding utterly exasperated.  _I'm utterly incapable of leaving you alone._  

 _Then, don't,_ she begged the voice, her breathe slowing, calming. 

There was a howl, loud and urgent in the air.

 _I leave you alone for a second, and the wolves descend,_  he said, unimpressed, almost scolding. 

She caused a relieved laugh, almost a sob. She took a second to catch her breath, panting lightly. 

Then, she ran, wobbling slightly against the wall of her room. Then, she threw open the window.

"Jake?"

Her breathe caught in her chest.

It wasn't him, and that hurt. 

Yellow eyes catch hers and she remembers everything.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you really want...  
> Do you really want me?  
> Do you really want me dead,  
> Or alive to torture for my sins?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a flashback.

There is a color that screams of pain, desolation, wounded brethren, and fallen men. 

It is red. 

It is such an ostentatious color. 

Red screams _look at me._

Her hair had been red.

Her eyes had been red. 

Even her tears had been red.

I had not noticed her tears then, too blinded by my own tears.

I had not wanted to be a vampire more than in that very moment. I had wanted to kill her, not slow and easy. No, I needed her to die a slow death. I needed her tortured and broken as if I was a god and her pain was the ambrosia I needed to sustain myself. 

When she had leaped at me, she had not sought the blood, so blatantly pouring from my wrist like a bold and useless sacrifice.

She had sought my neck, desperate for something, and I knew exactly what it was. 

Killing my mate had not been enough for her. 

 _She_ had longed for _my_ slow and sweet death.

 _She_ had wanted _me_ to spend an eternity without  _my_ mate.

In that instant, an inhumane rage unfurled in me.

When she had reached for me, so had I.

I embraced my death, rigidly and stiffly.  _Go on, little coward_ , his voice had urged me, not fondly, bitterly, mockingly, and with great cruelity. 

Just as she had bit down, I had shoved down.

I wielded Seth's broken tooth, _little Seth, baby of his pack, but he was dead. He was dead. He was dead like Edward was dead, and it was all my fault._

I wielded it as if it was a stake and I was a slayer.

I thrust it down, low and deep, just as her venom poisoned my system.

The pain paralyzed me and I feel to ground, screaming.

But I did not fall alone.

Me and my enemy fell together.

My tears had cleared though my mind was consumed with unbearable pain, but salty tears no longer blinded my vision. 

She was leaking scarlet red tears, drip by drip, and she did the oddest thing when faced with her destruction at my hands.

There was triumph in those red monstrous depths. 

After she had torn my mate apart, her eyes had dared to meet mine with tears and pain.

Her eyes had met mine as if to say,  _Now, you get it. Now, you finally get it._

In the end, Victoria had wanted us to acknowledge her pain. 

 _Look at me,_ she had silently cried as she sought to destroy everyone I held dear,  _Look at me and feel what I had felt every day since he has been lost to me._

Slowly, she turned to dust before my very eyes, leaving me to the aching and burning fires of hell.

Edward had promised me forever, every single day of forever.

I had not known forever was so fleeting, so very short. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ambrosia is the food or drink of the Greek gods.

**Author's Note:**

> In act 2 and scene 2, Romeo said, "He jests at scars that never felt a wound." It’s easy for someone to joke about scars if they’ve never been cut. (Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare)  
> Vicky said, "You're worse. You want to talk to me, get to know me, see into my soul and screw and screw and screw until you're done with me." (S1E1 of the Vampire Diaries TV Series)


End file.
